Perfectly Imperfect Carmen: September 2021

This word is thrown around a lot and I found myself using it incorrectly recently myself...I won't elaborate. But there is this deluded idea that a "Queen" is simply a woman who dresses provocatively, with a face covered in so much makeup she looks like someone else entirely.

Now, this can be anything from what we see in movies, the music industry, or in magazines. Leading little girls and young women astray, teaching them to expose themselves and to sleep with just anyone. I mean, let's be real here - that's the message in many songs and in movies. But this is not what makes a Queen...a queen is more than her sexuality. That's just a fragment of her essence...

To clean this up a bit because I don't want to offend anyone...I'm not saying this type of woman is not a queen. There's nothing wrong with owning your sexuality and your beauty. It's sexy. But I think some young girls who don't add up to these images and this standard of beauty think this is what makes a queen and it's not. I personally think the biggest things that make a queen is self-respect and confidence.

To me, a queen can be any color, any size, come from any educational background, and she can be any religion. She can dress any way she pleases. Maybe she likes to dress sexy. She can look sexy rocking a pair of sweats. She can wear a face full of makeup. She can wear no makeup at all and still be beautiful. She can have long beautiful nails. Maybe she likes short unpolished nails. She can wear high heels. She can wear combat boots. She can be sporty. She can be creative and artsy. She can fix cars. She can be a book worm. She can be poor. She can be rich.

And she can be an average nobody just doing her best in life, but as long as she's confident and has self-respect, she's a queen. And most definitely, if she uses her voice to bring change, is kind to others, and lives her life as an example to others, she's a queen. Every woman is capable of being a queen as long as she believes in herself and keeps it moving.

And what I mean by living your life as an example to others doesn't mean perfection, living a perfect life, because no one's perfect. We all make mistakes and if you say otherwise, you're lying. We can learn by example too, when people mess up. Sometimes those are the best examples to learn from in life. When someone falls and then watching them get back up again, brush it off, and keep on moving... We can mess up many times, but as long as we keep getting back up and learning, and growing...we'll be good. Sometimes we have to make the same mistake multiple times before we finally learn our lesson.

But back to the letting it all hang out thought...because I have little girls who don't lack guidance. I'm over-protective of what they hear or see until they're old enough to understand that much of what you see and hear on the TV, radio, and internet is just good entertainment. And that you don't have to be everything you see or hear. Be yourself, believe in yourself, and have respect for yourself. We can't protect them forever, but as long as I teach them that, then I know they can listen to it if they choose to and they'll be "good" later in life.

I like "adult" content, because I'm an adult, but I shouldn't have been listening to certain things when I was younger. Again, I had no guidance. I can remember jamming to "I wanna sex you up" and "Down with OPP" when I was 12/13 and not even fully understanding what the songs meant, and then later, "Age ain't nothin but a number" and I ended up pregnant at 15 (songs I still love by the way, just shouldn't have been jamming to them at 12).

Not saying it was because of the music, not even close to saying that, but it certainly influenced my thoughts and feelings. Everything we see and hear influences our thoughts, our feelings, and in turn influence our realities unless you're awake and strong enough to decipher the difference. Right now, this is not what I want my little girls looking at or listening to, so I have still somehow managed to shield them as much as humanly possible from things I deem inappropriate for their age...getting harder though.

It's funny though, cause no one taught me these life lessons. I had to learn them on my own like many of us. I had no guidance growing up and, no, it's not the industry's fault I made poor choices when I was younger, but I feel like it "takes a community to raise a child" and kids who lack guidance or misguided kids are the ones most vulnerable from receiving the wrong messages in the world.

I wasn't taught how to be a woman. I literally taught myself everything from a young age, nothing was taught to me, not even how to deal with my Puerto Rican hair, or how to shave my legs, or how to cook. I taught myself everything, including learning later in life to respect myself and my body, unfortunately, after becoming a mother at 15. I ran the streets from 12-15 and ended up pregnant...

What's funnier yet is that in my 20s, I lived in low cut shirts and tank tops, not to be a "ho," but just because I liked them. That was my style and how I was comfortable, but as my sons grew to be teenagers and I then had two little girls to raise, I began to become more conscious and aware of the way I dressed as to not leave the wrong impression. And in doing so, I began to teach my little girls what was not taught to me - to respect their bodies and have self-respect. I saw things so differently once I had little girls and teenage sons to raise.

This has been a challenge with what they "see" and with what all their friends are doing, or what they're doing on TikTok or YouTube, what this one or that one is doing at school, etc. It's not even what's on TV anymore or just music - it's now the latest trends everywhere, etc. This is what I hear anyway when one little girl tries to justify begging me to wear something I won't allow her to wear.

So we try and compromise because I want her to be herself too. I just want her to be herself and have self-respect if that makes sense. Throughout my journey to teach my own little girls to have respect for their bodies (they're now 11, almost 12), I had a little help along the way with the former director of their local Boys and Girls Club, a strong black woman who shall remain nameless, because I try not to share too many personal details about location.

I met her before my girls came along, when my boys went to the club. She was trained as director by the former director who was a man, and who had made a major impact on my sons' lives, and who also sadly passed from cancer shortly after turning the reigns over to her...

When she first came along though, we bumped heads and I later realized it was because we were actually so much alike and I grew to love her when my girls joined... And I was so very thankful that my daughters had someone like her to help guide them, because like they say, it takes a village to raise a child. She is one of the most amazing women I've ever met, honestly.

She taught the girls at club to have respect for their bodies, that they don't have to cover their faces in makeup to be beautiful (including a staff member), she embraced her natural hair, she's confident, and she taught them to embrace their talents and use their voices to be kind and to bring change with certain programs she implemented like "Smart Girls" to teach them these things, an amazing human just like the man she took over for.

Initially, it seemed a little extreme when she banned tummy shirts and spaghetti strap tanks during the summer, but she was right, at least I think she was. I didn't then. I'm kind of torn on this one. I think it's okay to show a little tummy and to wear spaghetti strap tanks, but when it's hot of course and not too much tummy.

I'm not okay with tummy shirts or any shirt that reveals too much on top, nothing too revealing. At home when they're lounging, sure if it's a hot day. But not outside of the home. Not only do I want them to have respect for themselves, but there's also unfortunately so many predators in the world too, so we have to worry about that aspect as well. I mean, when they were nine and I was hanging Easter eggs outside, they were playing and doing car wheels. Grown men beeped at my babies...twice...9-year-old girls wearing shorts...disgusting. And that's at nine, can't imagine as they get older.

I'm gonna train them to be vicious if anyone tries to hurt them. I know that what we wear is no excuse for a man to assault a woman. But what I'm saying is it could add to an already dangerous situation, attracting unwanted attention from predators, increasing a chance of a predatory situation. I'm just extra protective of my girls and really street smart.

I have one who has a lot of respect for herself and the other one struggles with being a follower. I'm trying to break her of that, but it's not easy in this world. We're in different times... On top of all that, you've got girls and women out there in the world feeling bad about themselves if they don't measure up to the images that the world portrays as a "queen" when in actuality, they are queens.

To me, a true queen uses her mind to get ahead in life, not her body, and she has respect for herself and her body. A true queen also uses her voice to bring change, not to teach little girls and young women to use their bodies to get ahead in life or to get attention. We can embrace our sexuality and sensuality, but that is not the entire essence of a queen.

My girls are smart and talented, and I pray that as they get older they never feel the need to use their bodies to move forward in the world, or to get attention. They are good enough. This is just my opinion based on my own personal life experience. I know we all come from different experiences, but this is mine and my perspective. I want better for my girls...

Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to look a certain way to be a Queen. You're beautiful and you're enough just the way you are...

With Love,

Carmen